NFL unveils new helmets in newest bid to persuade world they care

It’s time for one more rousing rendition of: Does. the NFL. Care?! America’s favourite recreation present the place we price how a lot the Protect protects its gamers. In the present day’s query facilities round a shiny new helmet “designed to cut back QB concussions.” The NFL and NFLPA accredited the use of the Zero2 Matrix QB helmet this week, and with a reputation like that, I anticipate it to primarily swaddle a quarterback’s head whereas he’s going to the bottom. Just like the NFL equal of the James Bond avalanche bubble in The World is Not Sufficient.

No? It’s not like that. Nicely, let’s go to the specialists and see what floor they’re breaking with this fancy new tech. Right here’s Jason Neubauer — an government at Vicis, the corporate that designed the helmet — on the Zero2 Matrix concussion canceller:

“The distinctive factor is that it has a deformal outer shell, which implies if you take an affect in any location on that helmet, it’ll deform, or mainly dent in that location to soak up the affect. What meaning for us, as designers, or engineers, as we’re trying to optimize it for several types of impacts, we’re in a position to change distinctive areas to attempt to optimize the affect mitigation in anybody space.”

I’m sorry, you misplaced me after “deform” and “dent.” These aren’t precisely comforting phrases to listen to when suiting as much as go get chased by American Gladiators for 4 hours, with Laser, and Taser whipping you round like a 3-year-old does a bunch of balloons.

That’d be like a automotive firm debuting its new “crippling” and “you-may-never-walk-again” airbags. That is additional proof that advert and branding firms ought to exist and scientists ought to by no means be in entrance of a microphone. Per the job description, they’re good, however I’ve met lots of geniuses who’ve locked their keys within the automotive or walked right into a glass door.

Sadly, there’s no expertise on Earth that may stop a soccer participant from getting a concussion. Based on, “Whereas helmets can defend towards cranium fractures and severe mind accidents, they will’t cease the motion of the mind contained in the cranium that causes concussion.”

Other than that being the primary motive why the MCU killed off Tony Stark (God bless Kevin Feige for passing on that CTE storyline; it’s why he makes the massive bucks, and DC followers are left making an attempt to persuade us that Michael Keaton squeezing into the Batsuit at 71 isn’t going to be miserable in any respect) it’s additionally proof that NFL gamers are at all times going to be prone to head trauma.

The league ought to give attention to its post-concussion protocols. It may possibly’t stop dangerous issues from taking place, however it could possibly at the very least management the best way it reacts earlier than Tua Tagovailoa seizes up, and traumatizes America once more. He shouldn’t have been in that Dolphins-Bengals recreation as a result of he hit his head 4 days earlier towards Buffalo, however no crew ought to must play on brief relaxation, nor do they need to. Oh, Jeff Bezos didn’t get his nut? I do know that’s triggering for him, however all it’s important to do is give him a pair firms to play god with, and he’ll go to sleep very quickly.

I’m sorry. This was alleged to be a fast, breezy weblog publish just like the AP article that ESPN copy-and-pasted to its web site, however I haven’t even gotten to essentially the most despicable piece of that story but.

In a memo that NFL government Jeff Miller despatched to groups in regards to the Zero Darkish Mind Matter helmets, the glorified NFL spokesman stated seven helmets the league extremely beneficial three years in the past have been downgraded to “prohibited” on account of the testing.

Holy shit. That’s a faster recall than guacamole at Chipotle or Jonathan Majors’ profession. (There goes my shot at writing the following Nice American Superhero Film.) Protecting tools going from extremely beneficial to 86’d in much less time than it takes for Donald Trump to get reelected ought to let you know the whole lot it’s essential learn about how the Protect views its workforce, and undoubtedly solutions the query of: Does. The NFL. Care?!

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